i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
