Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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