need another drink. this is the easiest way
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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