Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
