My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
