Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
