Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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