blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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