Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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