I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
