My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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