god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
