Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
