When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
