Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
