i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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