i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
