How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
