yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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