Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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