so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
