dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
