Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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