Is it because I queefed?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
