Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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