I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
