I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
