I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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