hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
