I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
