I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
