If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
