addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
