dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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