I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
