surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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