Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
