I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
