I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
