I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Come share oat with me in your robe
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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