did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
