put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
