Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
