I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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