I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
