make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
