The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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