Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
