I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
