Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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