that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
