If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
