eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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