Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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