Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
