chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
