I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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