You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
