I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
